Welcome back, dear dedicated readers (all four of you...)! We have compiled yet another tantalizing disarray of questions and answers for you to feast upon. Bon appetit!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Then our hostess told us that guests must bring their own plates and silverware or we would not be permitted to join the dinner. I thought it was extremely tacky; my husband saw no problem with it. What are your thoughts? -- DINNER GUEST IN DENVER

Dear Dinner Guest: It sounds like your hostess and the woman with chair issues should get together and hold a dinner party, however, bringing your own celadon green chairs AND china might be a bit painstaking. There is, in fact, no logical reason for a hostess to ASK her dinner guests to bring their own plates; don't invite so damn many people if you don't have plates to feed them on! It's not difficult to supply your guests with disposable plates and flatware, it's commonplace these days, and would've saved EVERYONE from washing dishes. But there are more pertinent concerns than which flatware to pack, if you think about this logically, if the dishes aren't hers, the food probably isn't either. She probably had it delivered. And, if the dishes aren't hers, what makes you think the furniture is hers? Or the television? Or anything in the house? Or the house! She could have murdered the previous occupant and buried them in the garden (which also isn't hers). Does your neighbourhood have a crime watch? We wouldn't be surprised if you started to see a chain of burglaries in your area. And if that happens, you know what bitch to look at.

DEAR ABBY: Now that it's summer I need your help with one of your to-the-point witty comebacks. My husband and I are both fair-skinned. Skin cancer runs in both sides of our families. We always wear sunscreen and lather up our 8-month-old child as well. Yesterday, a few friends at the pool made jokes about needing sunglasses in our presence because of the sun reflecting off our pale bodies. I became upset and left the pool. Is there something I can say to make a point and let these people know how rude they are when commenting on our lack of a suntan? -- TANLESS IN SUGAR HILL, GA.

Dear Tanless: It sounds like a little more than your friends' skin is half-baked. Visual aides are always your friends in such cases. Might we suggest carrying around some simple yet disgusting pictures of melanoma in your purse? One look at that should have them ready to dip themselves in a vat of sunscreen. But, if that doesn't work, remind them of this: You know who else's skin the sun reflects off of? EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN. And we all know how goddamned amazing he is. Don't stress about being tan, or the possibility of having vampire blood in your family. It just means you won't be spending time in chemotherapy along with your peers. Don't bitch, it's a good thing. You'll just look more like Phyllis Diller than a fucking old catcher's mit when you're 70.


DEAR ABBY: I am a member of a book club, and one of the other members likes to knit during the meetings, it rude or inconsiderate for a person to knit, crochet or piece a quilt while attending a meeting or other gathering? -- CURIOUS IN THE SUNBELT

Dear Curious: Yes, it's rude. Being poked with knitting needles or a quilt frame while at a meeting (or EVER, for that matter) would be highly annoying. About the only place it might be acceptable would be a knitting, crocheting, or quilting club, but even there it might be a stretch. You don't see many AA members bringing beer to the meetings, do you?
But if you're stupid enough to write an advice columnist about this issue, you're obviously too stupid to take the advice given, so, feel free to send a self addressed stamped envelope to our email address, and we'll mail you some bamboo needles to give to your friend so she's quiet (because she's probably got stupid cheap aluminum needles), and ergo you can limit your bitching to inside your head.

DEAR ABBY: I love your column. Unfortunately, it appears on the same page as the comics and Sudoku puzzle in our newspaper. Every morning my boyfriend drinks a cup of coffee and then disappears into the bathroom for a good 15 minutes -- even longer on weekends -- with your section of the paper. Half the time I never get it back, and if I do it's never in fresh, crisp condition.
Any advice on how I can convince the male side of our household to extend a little more courtesy toward those of us who like to read Dear Abby before his morning "duty"? I don't even care if he leaves the seat up. ---DESPERATE IN DURANGO, COLO.

Dear Desperate: First off, since you're writing a stranger for advice on how to ask your damn boyfriend for the newspaper, your relationship is probably very unstable. Does he hit you? Do you have bruises, honey? We swear, we'll beat his damn ass if he touched you, you just let us know...
But, since you're most likely just desperately stupid, before we resort to brute force attack, why don't you just try stopping him on his way to the toilet and asking him for the paper. You ARE living with the guy, and probably screwing him too, you should at least be able to do that. Oh, and if by "it's never in fresh, crisp condition" you mean that he's used it for purposes other than reading, you should probably consider having him housebroken, or trading him in for a newer model. But, you could solve all your problems by reading Muffy & Muffy instead, you can access our blog from any internet capable device; I certainly hope your house-pet doesn't take the computer with him to the toilet...

DEAR MARGO: My kid started college last year, but what he's started in college is what worries me. I was hoping it would be studying and furthering his education, but unfortunately, that's not the case. He seems to be having a hell of a time, but that makes me a little suspicious. College is expensive, and if he's screwing around and wants to louse up his future, should I enable him to do so by continuing to pay for his education and the dorm he's staying in, or should I have him come home so I can watch what he does? It's not that I want to control his life, because I can't, but I could at least see what he's doing or not doing if he were living at home and driving back and forth to school every day. I know he's a grown man at 19, and if he wants to mess up his future, that's his decision. But if I could help him even a little bit, is that so wrong? No parent I know of wants to see a child fail. --- NEUROTIC BUT CARING MOTHER IN L.A.

Dear Neurotic: Let us start by saying that the phrase "grown man at 19" is an oxymoron in most cases. Unfortunately, you seem unaware of the fact that your son is going through his "stupid years." Now, don't feel bad, you're not the only one who finds this depressing; every other college aged female with half a brain probably does as well (and this is why some of us think that imported things are better...;). However, short of slapping him and saying "FOCUS, DIPSHIT!" (and you might have to get in line for that opportunity) there probably isn't much you can do except cut him off, which will cause more problems than the ones you've already got. Honestly, do you remember your youth at all or were you fucking born at this size? Or maybe you're one of those who has never made a mistake in their entire life? Maybe the best thing for your little man is to make him move back to your glass house so he can re-learn what it's like to be as perfect as you are.


And there you are, dear readers, our sophomore post is complete, we do so hope it wasn't a slump. :) <3

P.S. If any of you happen to have a burning desire to have your deepest darkest questions answered, feel free to drop us a line at muffyandmuffy@gmail.com.

Welcome! <3

Welcome!
This being our first post on Blogger (or ever, for that matter) we wanted to keep it light. Credit for this goes to Abigail van Buren, or 'Dear Abby' as she is in many newspapers across the country. She's been reading letters and responding to the public for years and years, and people still turn to her today for their toughest questions. Here are a few we found to be good questions to start; we thank Abby for these and have put our own twist on them. Enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 years young and still single. I enjoy my friends, my freedom and rock concerts. My issue is that at the last two concerts I went to, I heard men -- or boys -- say, "Watch out. Here come the cougars!" I think this is insulting. Or is it?
Can you define a "cougar"? I don't know whether I should be insulted or take it as a compliment. -- STILL ROCKIN' IN IRVINE

Dear Rockin': Nowadays, a cougar isn't just a large cat (a.k.a. an animal), but rather an older woman who enjoys pursuing and actively dating much younger men. Generally speaking, the term doesn't carry a good connotation. If men are calling out 'cougar' as you walk past, it means you probably are one. It's not a difficult phenomenon to spot, seeing as how cougars have a wonderful way of dressing the part. A woman with breasts down to their navel (bras haven't been outlawed yet, ladies!) in their John Mellencamp tank tops and leather hot-pants generally stick out in today's concert crowd. Check your concert photos and see if you and your friends' mug-shots fit the mold. Now, if you think there is even the slightest chance that you might be a 'cougar,' that doesn't mean that you have to feel guilty and stop going to concerts. Just dress your age (at least keep MOST of your body covered, please) and remember that the next generation has taken over the concert scene (this means you're NOT going to find a date).

Oh, and by the way, might we suggest that you refrain from using tacky and irritating phrases as well? You're not '38 years young,' you're '38 years old', get the fuck over it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years. The situation is this: He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender. I have an 11-month-old daughter by him. I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out, but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him. I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me. Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him? Your thoughts, please. -- CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS

Dear Confused: The rest of the world may question your choice in a mate, but if you're determined to make it work, looking to parents for help raising your child maybe isn't such a bad idea. You and Wade have probably discussed the relationship at length and I can imagine he wants to make it work as well --seeing as you're the only female who screams something other than 'HELP!' during sex. However, if your parents are opposed to taking care of the child on their own, offer to hire a nanny (preferably one over eighteen years of age... wouldn't want any repeats of last time, now!). As an added benefit to the relationship, your child's sex education should be easily taken care of.


DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are unsure how to deal with this, so he suggested I write to you. We have lovely dining room chairs covered with celadon green fabric. In spite of the fact that I always use cloth napkins(and placemats and tablecloths), several of our guests have left large stains on the upholstery from dropping food or from their dirty hands. The stains are very difficult to remove when we can get them out at all, and the chairs have become unsightly. Three of our most recent dinner guests left chairs stained. One mark covered most of the seat. These guests are not heavy drinkers. How can we get them to keep their napkins in a position to avoid this? And how do we get them to keep their soiled hands off the chairs? Judging from the condition of their napkins, they ARE using them. -- UNHAPPY HOSTESS IN FLORIDA

Dear Unhappy Hostess:
First of all: DILLIGAF? If you're that upset about your precious dining room furniture, might we suggest having the chairs recovered? Though, rumour has it that there is a shortage of celadon green fabric in the marketplace today, so it might be smarter to just change the decor. However, a more pertinent concern might be finding new friends instead of new chairs; your dinner guests are obviously either pigs or infants if they can't manage to keep their filthy hands (and dinner) off of your chairs. So by the sound of your dilemma, (and if you're just not ready to make new friends) it would be wise to go with a farm or nursery theme. Might we also suggest plastic covering, in case they wet themselves? Good luck. :D

Muffy and Muffy do hope you enjoyed the premier post, and if you have a burning question or concern and you just don't know where to turn, you can drop us a line at muffyandmuffy@gmail.com. We would be happy to answer any question. Buhbye everybody!
Muffy & Muffy <3